The doctor calls his patient by telephone:
“Look, I have good news and bad news.”
“Well then, . . . tell me the good news first.”
“The results of the analysis indicate that you have 24 hours left to live.”
“Well, that’s the good news? Then what’s the bad news?”
“That I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.”

Two guys walk into a bar
The first one orders H2O
The second one orders H2O too
The second on dies

(H2O2)

11 people are hanging from a helicopter.10 male, 1 female. The copter can only hold.the weight of 10 people. The woman speaks up and says “I will let go because I already give up al much for my lovely children,and wonderful husband. All the males.start clapping.

A store opens up called “The Husband Store” and the rules are you can only enter once and the elevator only goes up, so once a floor is visited it cannot be re-visited. A woman enters. The first level is “Guys who are good looking.” She goes up a floor. It is “Guys who are good looking and have great jobs.” She goes up a floor again and the husbands keep getting better and better. The final floor is the sixth and she decides to go there. The room is empty. There is only a counter saying “You Are #372,784 to visit this floor. There are no husbands, only women who can’t be pleased.”

A store opens up across the street called “The Wife Store”. Same rules. First floor is “Nice Girls”. Second is “Nice, Good Looking Girls”. Floors 3-6 have never been visited.

Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a refrigerator at him.

A man and a woman are strangers, and they meet each other on an airplane. The man is filthy rich, and announces to the woman, “If you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer, I will give you a million dollars. However, if I ask you a question that you don’t know the answer to, you have to give me half of that. So, would you like to go first?”

The woman agrees to this, and poses her question: “What walks on four legs in the morning and three legs in the evening?” (OUT OF JOKE: It’s not “man,” by the way. It’s a play on that riddle.)

The man thinks this over. He looks online for the answer and calls some of the smartest people he knows, but soon a flight attendant makes him stop, because they’re about to take off. So he gives up, and gives the woman a million dollars. Defeated, he asks the woman, “So what was the answer to that question?”

She says nothing, but hands him $500,000.

After Quasimodo died, the priest went searching for a new person to ring the bell. Men gathered all around the bellfry, took their turns trying to ring the bell, but none of them could. Then, a man with no arms walked up to him and said “I can ring the bell.”
The priest was skeptical. “How can you ring the bell with no arms?” The armless man replied “Watch.” He then proceeded to walk up to the bell and started hitting it with his face. Not only could the man ring the bell, it was the most beautiful sound anyone had ever heard. The priest gave him the job, and the armless man started jumping up and down with glee, until he accidently fell over the side and died on impact. The priest hurried down to where people were gathered around the man. One person came up to him and asked “Who is this man?” The priest shook his head sadly and replied “I don’t know, but his face rings a bell.”

Corny pun is corny.

Two men walk into a bar. The first says:
“I would like some H2O”
The other says: “That’s a weird way of ordering water.”
The first leaves the bar upset because his assassination plot failed.

Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff.
ba-dum tsss

Me:”Knock Knock”
You:”Who’s there?”
Me:”Hoola”
You:”Hoola who”
Me:”P”

Why did the hipster get burned?
BECAUSE HE ATE THE BROWNIES BEFORE THEY WERE COOL!!!!

ahahahahahaha

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? It’s a really obscure number; you probably haven’t heard of it.

Person 1-Knock knock
Person 2-Who is there?
Person 1-Higgs Boson particle .
Person 2-Higgs Boson particle who?
Person 1-………
Person 2-I said Higgs Boson particle who?
Person 1-………. It can’t answer the door because it has not been found yet.
Person 2-Um….
Person 1-Long story.